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My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years of age. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.

This book made me realize that I'm not alone in this world, at all. For almost forever this book keeps me companion, comforted, and help me to face my problems with alcohol. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. Developing to maturity was very difficult - my dad was a serial cheater, my mum had no self-respect and overweight, unpopular me was abandoned to take care of myself most of the time. Emotionally, I was totally self-reliant.


Strangely, I never drank in secondary school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.


One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.


I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.


With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.

Fast forward...marriage, .two conceptions, both during which I totally abstained, and never missed it. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.


We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it

Immediately after I reach home - and face the house untidy state, making the evening meal, trying to make ADHD boy concentrate on his assignment while withdrawing the other one from his iPod.....I can't help but think about mixing that drink....which I continue refilling up to the point that I finally fall asleep or lose consciousness. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.


Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.


I was content at this high point in my life. The relationship was becoming dangerously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been emotionally down and sorrowful over this loss....and the drinking escalated.

My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.

Every time I remember the events of my life, a sensation of guilt runs through me. The drunken episodes:

  • Being completely drunk at a party last year.
  • Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fuming messages on my iPhone
  • I shouted and screamed inappropriately in front of my kids
  • I threw punches at my husband's face so often
  • A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I feel that I finally got straight, ready to come home.